Some light... maybe

Ο άνθρωπος δεν μπορεί να καταφέρει τίποτα μέχρι να αντιληφθεί ότι δεν πρέπει να βασίζεται σε κανέναν άλλο εκτός από τον εαυτό του, ότι είναι μόνος του, εγκαταλελειμμένος στη γη στη μέση άπειρων ευθυνών, χωρίς βοήθεια, χωρίς κανένα άλλο σκοπό παρά μόνο αυτόν που βάζει ο ίδιος στον εαυτό του, χωρίς άλλη μοίρα παρά μόνο αυτή που διαμορφώνει ο ίδιος (Jean Paul Sartre, φιλόσοφος)

It's so true and yet, we don't seem to remember what Sartre said when we really need it. What is our sole purpose in life? People, books, society, family tell us it's to procreate. Others say that it is to be the best version of oneself one can be. But there's no universal purpose in life that applies to everyone. We should all find out on our own what we want that purpose to be, and then make it happen.

Easier said than done. I know. I always thought I knew what my purpose in life was. For instance, when I was in primary school, it was to get good grades and then to go to elementary school. Then it was to get to highschool. And then my purpose became to go to college. And then, I though having fulfilled all previously wanted purposes, that I had nothing else to do than to start a family. Right?

Well, it didn't quite happen that way. After college, I was given the opportunity to go for more studies. And I took it. I had not been a purpose so far, but it became one. It took several years to accomplish this purpose, but I did. And now what?

What is my purpose in life? What do I want to do? I have not yet decided that. There are a few things I want to do, but I have to actually look deep inside myself and see what I would really *want* to do from now on. Our society is built up in such a way that one must earn money to live. And since I have not inherited a rich relative, willingly or not I will have to do something to help me earn some money to allow myself a decent living. I know it is so cliche, but I really don't want to have much more money than what I need. I just want to have enough.

It's a common belief that when one turns 30, they will go through a certain type of crisis. I never believed that. And personally, it was really no big deal to turn 30 for me. What really matters is how I feel inside. I have days when I do not feel alive at all, hence age is irrelevant. I have days in which I feel I am 18 years old, others when I am 30 and others when I do not even care how old I think I am or how old I really am.

What I had no idea though is that I was going to get caught up by surprise by my own self. We live our lives thinking (and rightfully assuming) that we are the only ones who know ourselves the best. And that is true. But it is also true that we are best at hiding from our own self and living in conscious or unconscious denial about what our own self (or ego) wants/says/does/warns us about/etc.

That's pretty much what happened and why I say I was caught up by surprise (not a good one, I'll tell ya) by my own self. Now how ironic is that?

I can't say for sure when it started. I can't say for sure what triggered it. But I can definitely say it is a crisis. Call it whatever you want: the 30 years old crisis, the end of countless years of studies crisis, the too much time on your hands crisis. It does not change the fact that it exists, that I live it. Now I know it is a crisis. But I did not know I was going through one, for months, many months. I knew something was not right with me, inside, outside and around me. But I could not pin point it. There were always visible and plausible excuses to justify my feeling unsettled, or my lack of joy, or vitality, or excitement, or even misery on certain days. And then there was too much work, and I did not always have the time nor the energy to digest what I was feeling and why I was feeling it.

Δεν είναι μαύρος ο κόσμος. Στο μυαλό σου υπάρχει συννεφιά.

There were days in which I wondered why my purpose in life is, what is it that I am supposed to do on this earth? Recently, all I could see was darkness. I did not want to talk to anybody, I did not want to speak. I did not want to have to do things. I did not want for people to want me to do things, or to expect things of me.

I felt into isolation, willingly. But not as much as I wanted though. I couldn't. Cause I had obligations to fulfill. Cause people expect things of you just because they are unaware of the state you're in. Cause even if you tell them something, hints, they still don't get it and they still want things from you, professionally, socially, family. Which in my situation appeared only as nuisances and made me wanna avoid them even more. Just because they didn't understood. Just because they did not respect me.

I have been experiencing a whole range of emotions for the last months. Alot of sadness and sorrow, alot of misery, alot of numbness, some strikes of happiness, that would easily just fade away. The good feelings always fade away when they stem from external causes and not from within. Other people can make you happy, but if you are not happy with yourself, FIRST and FOREMOST, then whatever others cause you too feel, won't last. It will fade away, sooner or later. And you can't blame them for not being them to always renew that feeling before it fades away. Cause maybe they have no idea of what happening with you. Surely they don't know, cause not even I knew myself exactly what is going on with myself.

As it can be expected, I think I have lost a few friends in the process. Maybe I had to, maybe it was a filtering test that had happen sooner or later. So that I realize once again what Sartre said. I definitely added to my crisis. I felt hurt, disappointed, abandoned, betrayed. But in the end, noone is to blame but myself. Regardless of what anyone around me does, it's up to me to decide how that will affect me. It may appear as an oversimplification of things, but I do believe it's so true.

It's human nature to just blame others for whatever & whatnot. It takes a considerable effort to realize that it all starts and ends with us. And this sound selfish, but it really isn't, in my opinion. Truth is not selfish. Tweaking the truth to our own benefit is selfish and does not help in the end, in the long run.

One's best ally, but in the same time one's worst enemy is oneself. There's no doubt in that. My own self turned against me, for a while. But in the end, when I was able to see what it was trying to show me, it wasn't to harm me, it was trying to show me things, how they really are, for my best.

It's really scary but so empowering in the same time. I felt scared for a while. I thought I was going to lose it, to lose myself and that I will never be able to put myself back again. I had reached some sort of limit though. A limit where I though this can NOT go on any longer. This is enough. I HAVE to figure out what's wrong. I HAVE to define what my problem is, in exact terms, so that I can at least some sort of an idea of how to start addressing it, and then solving it.

It happened that I was given the opportunity to talk with certain people that I know. And without too much explaining or questioning (from either sides), we touched subjects that were of interests to me (and I guess to them as well) which I felt (intuitively) they were worth discussing about with these people. And so it was. I started to feel less darkness around me. I started to somehow see some light in all this groping in the dark, searching for something but not knowing what it is, how to recognize it or even how to be sure I've found it.

But it's one of those things you just *know*. When you feel the veil of darkness slowly, very slowly starting to weigh less on you, and maybe just feel a light breeze that brings about the "hope" of hope, then you just *know* that something good has happened.

And even this, just the thought that I was able to understand one thing in this whole uncertain period of time, is so relieving. One of these people told me (and it wasn't even about me, cause we were talking about other people) that true happiness is the one that comes from our own hearts, without something important having happened to bring about that happiness.

Όταν ένας ανθρωπος είναι εντάξει με τον εαυτό του, χωρίς να συμβεί κάτι συγκεκριμένο να τον κάνει να αισθανθεί έτσι, τότε, έχει το περιθόριο για πραγματική ευτυχία.

And this just stuck to my brain instantly and unexplainably. Another person told me that even though it's not so easy to see, when one's future is not somehow prearranged, the fact that one has to draw one's own future can be really scary. Even if it doesn't appear so. And just as with the previous thing, this one stuck to my mind.

And come to think of it, it is true. For 30 years, there was always something that I should be doing, and most of the times it coincided with what I wanted to do as well. But now, there's no manual or instructions or even guidelines that point out how my life should develop from here. And even if in the past I did something that I was not totally ok with, I can always blame it on the system, on the society or my parents. But from now on, I will only have myself to blame for whatever I decide to do in the fuure, and maybe will regret it later. I hate regrets, so I generally do things that I know I will be able to live with for all my life. It's not as easy as it sounds, of course. But even those things that I do regret even a bit, I don't let them control me. I accept them as parts of myself, or experiences that I had to have and learn from, or if none of the above, then just as things that are in the past that I can not change, not matter how much I try to.

Another one of the people I got to talk to recently, helped me see just how much other people's normal questions about my plans for the future helped built a huge pressure on myself. When one's about to graduate, don't other people around one ask them: "So now what? What are you thinking to do? Getting a job? Starting a family?". And these are all ok and perfectly justifiable questions in themselves. They start to become a problem when everybody starts asking this repeatedly and for many months. And even this is normal and noone can control it. The bad thing was that I still DO NOT have a sound answer to all these questions, and maybe I won't have answers for a long time to come. And while I do understand that all these people are well-intented and care about me, they somehow seems to miss the impact these questions have on me.

On my part, I have tried as politely as I could, and as clear as I could to make them understand that I do NOT have the answers to their questions, that I do appreciate their caring, and that I will update them when I have news. But as well all know, that doesn't happen, so I still get questions and answers and comments and weird facial expressions, and I still try to control myself from not outbursting when I hear their questions, over and over again.

I live most of my days following this principle: there are no two people who think and act and react the same way; do NOT expect people to behave as you do and do NOT allow yourself to get disappointed when they don't.

Having said that, what affects me most of all is not their questions, but their lack of faith in me that when I have knews, that when I will know something for sure about my future, I WILL let them know! Hence no need to ask! Those who know me as well as they claim to know me, SHOULD know this much about me.

So what I really have to do now is:

- Determine, clear and beyond any self-doubt what I want to do in the future.

- Make it happen.

- Find that inner peace & balance that comes from within and not from outside triggers/stimuluses/events/people/etc.

- Pay attention to my own self. Be gentle to myself.

- Maintain it.

- Revive and find my own passions.

- ALWAYS to stay true to who I am!