Don't or rather won't believe in love...

As I walked home today I heard one of Dido's latest songs "Don't believe in love". I was taken not only by the rhythm but more by the lyrics of the song. You can listen to it here.

I finished work later than usual. I only caught the first bus home. By the time I had to switch, the buses stopped running. I felt too wound up (even though tired) so I decided to walk as much as I feel like it, and then take a taxi home. Walking always clears my head. I ended up walking the whole distance (~6-7 km). That felt good. What didn't feel so good though was the rain that had started and the fact that I think I am coming down with a cold (you know, stuffed nose, weird voice, etc.). I usually hate rain, and especially when it rains on my face, but this time, I didn't mind, at all.

I think it would be best for me at the moment if I didn't believe in love. Either way, when I wake up your arms are not around me, so it feels like I do wake up on my own anyway. Sometimes I pretend that I'm still sleeping, hoping & longing for you to just put your arms around me and hold me tight. Either way, it *is* really hard to look at you in the morning. I am afraid to feel, I know that feeling anything for you eventually ends up hurting me. So I am trying so hard to not let myself feel anything for you. Sometimes I manage it, other times I don't, and other times I just feel numb. It might also be the recent sleep deprivation causing me to feel nothing.

You said something that stuck with me. The harder one tries to hide something, the less interesting it becomes for the other to try to observe or discover what that something is. I am silent. I have been silent for the last couple of weeks. I was silent with you too last night. I didn't want to talk about me, about how I've been. I didn't want to crack not even the least bit of myself for fear it would break up and I could never close up again. And I'd be just raw, vulnerable, unprotected & alone. So I kept asking you questions, sometimes stupid questions, but nonetheless I tried to make them appear normal & not unnecessary. You answered most of them. I really hope that you didn't realize what I was trying to do. I am not hiding just to see whether you care enough to try & find what I am hiding. I am just hiding for my own protection. But you were silent too, a little bit more silent that usual. Maybe you were tired, maybe it was your headache, maybe it was me or maybe it was weird for you to see me after all this time, or maybe I let you down in some way.

I am trying so hard not to think of you. I am trying so hard not to wonder how you are, how are you doing, if you're having a good time where you are of if it's tough. I wanted to call so many times, but I stopped myself from it. First and foremost for fear of being rejected. Then for fear of calling in a bad moment, or for fear of you not answering it and not returning my (missed) call. So I texted.... one, two, and even the third time I said to myself: I need to write this.... cause there's no other way for me, so that's why I allowed myself to send you those texts. I was hoping to hear from you, but I knew very well, deep down inside, that you won't give any sign of life. Only you know why. But I guess it's not that hard to figure (at least some parts of) it right. There is no future for us. I never even considered anything of the sort for us. Until, I believe exactly two months ago, you told me you might be leaving. And then, it hit me, my own self came and bit me in the ass, but real hard.

I realized just how much I cared. And I was shocked, and scared, and afraid, and outraged with myself. And then you said you were not leaving, not yet anyway, and then I got a glimpse of hope, that maybe we could spend some more time together, making the most of it, now that *I knew* what I feel inside. But life took me by surprise again, and that didn't happen. Cause you left, without a word. To clear your head, to live carelessly, to enjoy life, to relax, to have fun and just be you, before you actually left. And just when I had convinced myself that I should not outpour whatever I had just realized about my feelings for you, but that I should just inform you of some basic facts, you fulfilled my prophecy that any guy that I will give my heart to will just run away with it. And that took me down. So down, that I had no idea there were such low limits of one's existance. I was like a vegetable the whole time you were gone having fun. Which I don't blame you for going & doing. I just thought I meant more to you than an "after thought".

So in all this time, I tried to suffocate whatever newfound feeling I had. Then you came back & looked for me. You indirectly reassured me you did not go away in search of a fling or casual encounter. But I had not asked you anything of the sort. And you spent the night. And I could not sleep next to you, cause there were like 1000 images / min spinning around my head all night. I barely slept an hour. You left... and life went on. Till the day of your official leaving. And I thought I wasn't going to see you again. Which was tearing me up inside, but nothing would just make me happy. Cause I know there's no future for us, and that says it all. But why is it that you made me that last surprise to come and see me just hours before your leave? It even amazed me, but I slept so good in your arms for those few hours... even though we both woke up with dreadful headaches. And then you left. For real, for good. And I felt like my heart was just wrenched out of my chest and I was heartless. Maybe I still am, just unsure where my heart really is. When you left, I could not breathe. It felt just like you took the air out of the room with you, leaving me breathless (just like Dan Wilson says in his song). And then nothing. Silence. Out of a sudden, a several seconds phone call from you, that just lit up my skies.... and again, silence. Astounding silence. Voiding silence. And all of a sudden, weeks later a phone call? I was so surprised, shocked, scared, anticipating it, fearing it, feeling selfish about answering it, realizing I need to play it cool phone call. When I answered you had just hung up. But called right back again and talked to me. I was out of words. I just did not know what to say and how to say it. You felt (I'm just speculating here) that you interrrupted me or something, given my fidgeting reaction. And I did not know what to do. To see you or not? And the rest is history.

So we know the past. We know the present. However, I can also well predict that there's never ever gonna be a future for you & me. There's just NO way on earth anything is going to have a future where you & I are concerned. I don't want to say "never", but if there were even the slightest hope of a future, I'd see a sign, even the most minuscule or isignificant sign that there "could" be a future for you & me. It always takes two to have any sort of relationship. And this says it all. This is not to say however that you don't care about me. You do, in your own way. But not in the same way I do. Which is fine as well. But it's not a basis or reason for any hope/future of us together.

This was a loooooooooong detour from this post's title, but here's why I'd rather not believe in love. Cause everything else would just be so easier. Or at least this is what I think.... a hopeless believer in love. Maybe it's time I "updated"?


Don't Believe In Love lyrics

I wanna go to bed
With arms around me
But wake up on my own
Pretend
That I'm still sleeping
Til' you go home

Oh
I can't look at you
This morning
I should probably have a sign
That says
'Leave right now or quicker'
You've overstayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is safe for me
When I don't believe in love
You're too close to me
And that's why
You have to leave

Maybe I slept peaceful
On your shoulder
Your arm warm around my side
But it's different now
It's morning
And I can't face your smile

The second that I feel
Your safe hands
Reaching out for mine
I slip away and out of sight
You've ovestayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing is good for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is new for me
Nothing is wrong for me
And nothing is real for me

When I don't believe in love
Why do you care for me?
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is real for me
If I don't believe in love
You're getting to close to me
And that's why you have to leave
And that's why you have to leave

If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is left for me
If I don't believe in love
You're too good for me