Relocation

During my short stay with blogger I have grown to like a few people both on blogger and wordpress. Seems that wordpress's handling won me over... hence, for the interested reader... here's my new home.

αφήνοντας τον εαυτό μου να ... love & fears

νιωθει ολα τα καλα πραγματα που αισθανομαι... αλλα με ολα αυτα, ερχονται και οι φοβοι. 

When you open up to allow yourself to feel the good things that come from within, you become vulnerable, so vulnerable to any fears and shocks.... but there's no one way about it. So I am taking it all in at the moment. What I am feeling it's just too beautiful... and I have tried to repress it for so long, that I started hurting myself in the process of protecting myself. Ironic, isn't? I'd say so. 

I have a G. spot. But it's not what you think. My G. spot is a "he". And he's my vulnerable spot that can make me fly of happiness or lose myself in sorrow. And this is not by direct actions, just by existing in my life and how his existence impacts on me. 

He is not the cause of my currently-living-but-uncertain-of-when-it-will-pass crisis. He came so unexpectedly into my life. And I had no idea nor any plan as to what this could mean. I just took each day as it came, without analyzing the why, the how or anything else. He turned out to be an incredible person, a rare gem, a wonderful soul, not the type of person one meets every day. He definitely belongs to the group of people that came into my life, left footprints in my heart, after which I can never be the same. This is inspired from Eleanor Roosevelt poem. 

So if he's not the cause of my crisis, what is he then? As I wrote in my previous entry, other things are the cause of my crisis. He, G., is an escape to happiness from all the darkness and unwholesomeness I was feeling (and still feel to a certain extent) for so long. 

So today I am going to write exactly about what I feel: love & fears. 

I've known him for 5 months and 4 days. I never expected, thought or even realized I was starting to get attached to him. That he was slowly getting under my skin, against my will/wish and I suppose against his will/wish as well. Cause he didn't do anything to pursue that. It just happened. When I realized I had grown attached to him, I freaked out. I did NOT understand how this could have happened. I could I have not seen it happening? I still don't know. After the freak-out phase passed, I got pissed off with myself. I was very adamant that I don't want to get attached to anyone at this point in my life. And now that I got the surprise that it happened, I have to deal with it. And this is hurting me.... this will hurt me because I cannot be with the people I am attached to. Life is taking me and them on totally different directions and paths, away from each other. 

But who has control over life? Fully? Noone. After the pissed-off-with-myself phase passed, I tried to repress whatever I was feeling. Yeah, right... like that did any good to me. Well, it didn't. It turned against me, hurting only myself and uselessly too. And, οπως λεει και μια διαφιμηση στο Εν λευκώ, αν δεν μπορεις να κανεις τιποτα, απολαυσε το! This is what I am trying to do at this moment. I realized that no matter how I try to approach this, it won't go away. So I might as well enjoy it as it is, as long as I can have it, and deal with losing him when the moment comes. And here I remember what a dear older person always tells me: Don't trouble yourself until trouble troubles you. 

I think of him, so often that I lost count how much I do it. I am not stopping myself from doing it though. Just thinking of him, puts a smile on my face. Just knowing that he offered me so many incredible and unique and true moments brings a huge wave of love in the forefront of my heart. Just remembering how I feel when he is near me... I get the shivers and I close my eyes and I feel his arms around me, his kiss on my neck. The touch and feel of his amazingly tender lips and the wonderful spark in his eyes. He is by no means perfect, not even close. And I am by no means an angel, nor perfect either. But what I feel comes from within, flooding, and I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it either. I am submitting myself to it, not entirely, but much more than before. 

I have only told him that I have grown attached to him. And that I wished I hadn't. He said that I am lucky to have become attached to him and not another guy. Cause someone else could've well been in his place. But his (G's) intentions are not to hurt me, or make a fool of me or of my feelings. He didn't say how he feels about me. I don't think he clearly knows either. What I do know though is that what I feel for him has nothing to do with what he feels/doesn't feel for me. It only has to do with the fact that he exists, that he stepped into my life and that he left the footprints that he has in my heart. And that all this happened without premeditation. Although I know it will hurt, and usually the pain is directly proportional to the intensity of the feelings, I feel I am truly blessed to have met him, for all the things I lived, experienced, shared with and felt with him. I don't know the reason why this whole thing happened. I don't even wonder. I do not know what the future holds for us. Mostly nothing for "us"; I know though that he is one person I will always feel connected to, even if we won't speak for months or years. Besides the connection I feel, he will always have a special place in my heart, that I treasure too much to evacuate and take him out of there. I get teary eyes as I write this. It's my shell cracking.... 

In the beginning, when he was leaving, he would not even wake me up. He would just get up & out of bed, get dressed, and out of the house. And I wouldn't hear from him for days. There was no reason to either. As time passed by, he would either kiss me on my hip & leave, or kiss me on my neck & leave, or we'd have a coffee together and hug me before leaving, but he would never hold me in his sleep. Never. We barely touched during sleep, and I didn't touch him either, cause I thought he doesn't like it & might see it as nuisance. I love cuddling (what girl doesn't?). But I can live without it if it doesn't come naturally to the other person. And I don't hold it against the other person. So I was surprised to see that he gradually started holding me in his arms when we were sleeping. Then after a while, he started kissing me on my back, on my head, on my cheek, on my lips, and hold me tight, but this would usually happen while falling asleep and I would always discover we were far away from each other when we were waking up. Then, five weeks ago, when he returned from the holidays, he came to see me twice in three days. He was so tender and cute. And the last night before leaving the city, he held me tight, for the whole 3 hours of sleep we had. He didn't say a word though. 

Last weekend, he came back into town ... after a little over three weeks of being out of town. We had almost no contact during the time that he was away. And even though I knew there might be other reasons that were keeping him from contacting me, I assumed he needed his space, his time away and alone, that he was using this to slowly withdraw himself from my life... so slowly slip away.

Not having the escapes that he was for me, I started sinking even lower into the darkness. Its veil started weighing more and more on me. I let it pull me down. I had no power, no reason and no will to fight it. But I knew he is out there. I knew he was not happy, but I knew he has to stay away, both physically and without contact. Why? Because sometimes we just have to go through certain things that life throws at us. If we escape those things, then it's like we cheat, and that will eventually find a way to catch up with us, sooner or later. So I didn't fight the darkness that was overwhelming me. I just knew that something had got to give. And it did, three days later.

As soon as he got back in town, G. contacted me. But I didn't get his offline messages. So the same evening, he calls me and I am caught off guard. I had managed to think of him so much less, without dimishing what I feel though. But thinking less of him, yet not repressing my memories or thoughts, just made it all more bearable for me. I am no actor, but still, I tried to play it cool. No need to drown anyone in my own sea of feelings or endless darkness. I don't know how much he bought it. I was in doubt whether I wanted to see him or not. After contemplating it throughout the evening into midnight, I decided to see him. So he came over. The last time I saw him he looked awesome. But this time, he looked gorgeous. I couldn't even react, I was shuffled. We made love. He told me he had missed me (he meant that in a physical way). While making love I realized just how much I had missed him too, but would not admit it to anyone. 

We fell asleep. He held me close, not tight, but he snorred like a bear and had multiple cough crises. I was having a hard time falling asleep. Both because of my mixed up inner state and his snoring. I was not a happy girl, but I was sure beyond tiredness. I was coming down with a cold too. Morning comes, he goes his way, I go to work. Night time comes, I leave work late. I catch only one bus before midnight. I decide to walk home for the rest of the trip (~ 6km). It started raining. But I was wearing comfortable shoes. Even though I was sneezing, and my nose was stuffed, I walked for over an hour. I was moderately soaked by the time I get home. I get home and just collapse on my chair, mindlessly surfing the net on my laptop. 3 am comes, I'm still in the chair, looking like a homeless person and feeling as one too. Still shuffled by the fact that I was the first thing he saught when he came back. This is NOT like him, or like the G. I knew before. I decide to let it go as a random thing. But what do you know? Who texts me at 3:30 am? G. He was coming home from a wedding and wondered how I was. I told him I was too tired to sleep, but that I needed to (he didn't know I barely slept the previous night, but I knew!). He calls (no text) me right back and asks me if I'd like some company, and I am hesitant. I was never hesitant when he asked me this kind of things ever before. I told him I don't know. He doesn't push me. He tells me he'll call me when he gets home, and if I feel up to it, then he'll come over, otherwise, I shouldn't worry or sweat about it. 

I was surprised by my own hesitation. I text him half an hour later telling him that I do want to see him but that I am not as rested as I wish I were. He replies right away that I should not worry about it. He'll come, and we'll just lay in bed and sleep. No need to worry about my tiredness. I agreed. He came over quite quickly. We talked briefly and then laid on the bed to sleep. He pulled me close, I was feeling cold, he warmed my body, he carressed me, started to kiss me slowly, waking up my senses in a sweet, slow way... I can't find the right words to describe how that felt. It didn't feel it was coming from the body, it just felt it was coming from the heart. It had a strong feeling to it, my interpretation of which is that it was carrying the heart's desires and not the body's. Before we even started making love, I felt so relaxed, I no more felt tired, cold, sleepy or ill. I was with him, in way that hadn't felt like that before. We fell asleep in each other's arms. We were spooning all night. I woke up so rested, so light, so refreshed. I had slept heavenly. He didn't snore at all nor cough all night. I took a bath, got dressed, and woke him up with a kiss on his cheek. He woke up without a headache! He gets strong headaches very often, and I was starting to feel bad that he woke up with such headaches after spending the night over. It was a good day start. I took a taxi to work. Night comes in, I leave work.

So that evening, something gave in. I had the opportunity to see a person that is very dear to me and that I respect very much. Talking with this person (as I mentioned in my previous entry) made me see some sort of light through the most dense darkness I've ever been. I could not believe it, but I knew something gave in. It was just the beginning.

I still have trouble sleeping when I am alone. I fall asleep anywhere between 3:30 am - 7 am. The next day came, and I woke up feeling good. I started working on some things that I kept postponing and got them done.

He uploaded two photos on his page. He has never done that. The one is with him, the first weekend since he first left, and the other one is with a girl (I wrote about her previously) and is labelled with daughter. Seeing them I got mixed emotions. He looked so great that it is impossible for someone to look as good as he does in the conditions there. I was so drawn to the photo where he's alone. Photos and certainly photos with people in them speak to me more than maybe to other people. His face and body posture spoke so much of "him" to me. They say an image equals to 1000 words. In certain cases that is true. In this case, it was true. And the other one, with the girl, made me feel both happy that he wasn't alone, but jealous too that I couldn't be there too. The day those pics were taken was the last time he contacted me before returning back to the city. I told him that I saw the pics and that he looked great. He asked me if I had seen any other pics of him (implying in his friends' albums) and I said yes, I saw a few. This week I understood why he was out of contact since then. They had confiscated his phone.

I saw G. again three days later. In spite of the insomnia, cold and having recently ended "that time of the month", I felt rested. And I felt it. I dressed up quite nicely and he could not take his eyes off me. It was entirely different from the "me" he saw last time. Passion lit up and the rest is history. Suffice to say he kept one clothing item as a souvenir. Sleeping tight in each other's arms, not letting any distance come between us, spooning. We woke up rather early and had a coffee in the kitchen. The coffee took over two hours. We would not stop talking to each other. At 12:30 he decides to live and run the errands he has to. We kiss. I put myself to work. It was a good day too. 

The weekend came and I started my usual weekend job. I was supposed to meet him after work, but it didn't happen. I had a laid back evening and the regular insomnia. I wake up at 11 when my phone rings. I was lost for a second, but then I realize it's the weekend and I am late for work. I am never late for work. I don't panick, but I get out of the house and to work as fast as I could. Traffic made my taxi ride 45 minutes long. But still, it was an ok day. 

Saturday evening comes. I feel the need to be alone. I was alone anyway, but this time, I felt it too. I fall alseep around 5 am. Wake up startled by my phone at 7:30 am. It was G. I need a second to realize that I need to answer and not just look at the phone. My battery drops just as I pick up. I plug the charger in, and call him right back, in the same time looking out the window and seeing another motorcycle parked outside my window, but not realizing it's his. He asks me where am I, I tell him I am at home, and he says: "well let me in then." He had been out, drinking. I let him in, he tells me to get in bed and that he'll join me soon. He undresses, asks for a bandaid, and then lays next to me. He falls asleep in no time. I do too. We don't talk. I see the bandaid on his hand. I wake up on time to go to work, shower, get dressed. I try to wake him up, but no luck. I had to leave though, or I would have been late, and can't have that twice two days in a row. I am struck by the idea of letting him sleep over, and leaving the keys in the door lock for him to close when he leaves. I take a spare pair of keys (they were in an old untouched for a year box) and leave. He calls me in the afternoon (~4pm). He asked me what to do. I told him to do whatever he wants, and that he could return the keys either by dropping them at work or by meeting me after work. 

At 10:30pm he texts asking me in the most sweet way if I have any keys to get in and when will I get home. I manage to reply only an hour later, I tell him I have keys. He was catching up on some work he had to do before he left again today. He told me he will come to give me a hug before leaving. 

He came at 3 am. It was the fastest drive from his house to mine he's ever made. He came in and told me about the previous night. He was out with his brother and some friends, drinking. He walked home and didn't want to sleep there. So he drove as quickly as he could to my place. He's never done that before. I do not understand why he felt the need to come over that morning. I'm not trying to understand either. I am not gloating inside myself over the fact that he chose to come to me. I just know it's good. Given that it was our last few hours together, I tried a little game (role playing) that he absolutely loved. And it just bounced back at me, in that seeing him loving it, it made me even more keen to play the game and it was just incredible. I'll just say one thing: it was the best time ever. We've made love many times, but last night it was all so new and nothing like before. It was great on more levels than one. 

And even though we had only 2 hours to sleep before he had to leave (the city, again), he would not let me out of his arms, kissing me at every move, touching me from head to toes with his body. The first alarm went off at 7am. He told me to reset it for 8 am. I cuddled even deeper in his arms from 7 to 8 am. His breath was so light, no snorring, no caughing. He left at 8:30. I don't know when I will see him again. A few days he tells me.

It didn't feel like my heart was wrenched out of my chest when he left. I was calm, serene, there was even a smile on my face.

There is something I feel, that I am trying to understand what it is exactly. I can't even put it into words. Do you know that feeling that when you look into someone's eyes, they just speak to you, even though no word is said nor need to say one? Add to that the feeling when someone holds you, tight enough to tell you things, but not as tight as to make you ask why. Then add to that kisses that were never given before nor asked for.

Since he left this morning, I felt light, I felt serene, I felt loved. In one word, I felt happy. I think that is what I am feeling. He has not said a word but he didn't need to. He hasn't made any promises of any sort, but he doesn't need to either. He hasn't made any plan for any future. He does not need to. I feel happy now, without words, without promises, without plans. Just because he is, and for what he makes me feel when I am with him. For not wishing or asking I was different. I don't know what will happen in the future. But I know what I feel know, and that is enough for me, right now. I don't even feel the need to tell him anything, because he knows. I know he knows without having to ask him about it or tell him anything in words. And he knows that I know and that I don't need to ask him and that he doesn't need to say anything. 

There is more that I need to write about. Fears. Next post.

Night is falling 
I think of you 
I'm walking home 
I think of you 
And as he calls 
me, yes I do 
I think of you 
How you doing? 
I think of you 
As we leave 
I think of you 
And I smile, I can't hide 
I think of you 

I don't know 
where your days 
are spent 
Your lovers and 
you friends 
But I know for sure 
Of who you have 
been thinking 

Far beyond the 
city's lights 
Are two who dream a life 
Forgive them if 
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/h5U ]
they never find 
their freedom 
Their freedom 

It's so late 
I think of you 
He walks me home 
I think of you 
I'm so sorry, I'm so tired 
I think of you 
And in the shadows 
I think of you 
I close my eyes 
I think of you 
Now I'm falling 
I think of you 

I think of you 
As he calls my 
name, yes I do 
I think of you 
I think of you 
I think of you 
I think of you 
I think of you 

And in feeling 
I think of you 
And in breathing 
I think of you 
And in seeing 
I think of you 
And in living 
I think of you

Some light... maybe

Ο άνθρωπος δεν μπορεί να καταφέρει τίποτα μέχρι να αντιληφθεί ότι δεν πρέπει να βασίζεται σε κανέναν άλλο εκτός από τον εαυτό του, ότι είναι μόνος του, εγκαταλελειμμένος στη γη στη μέση άπειρων ευθυνών, χωρίς βοήθεια, χωρίς κανένα άλλο σκοπό παρά μόνο αυτόν που βάζει ο ίδιος στον εαυτό του, χωρίς άλλη μοίρα παρά μόνο αυτή που διαμορφώνει ο ίδιος (Jean Paul Sartre, φιλόσοφος)

It's so true and yet, we don't seem to remember what Sartre said when we really need it. What is our sole purpose in life? People, books, society, family tell us it's to procreate. Others say that it is to be the best version of oneself one can be. But there's no universal purpose in life that applies to everyone. We should all find out on our own what we want that purpose to be, and then make it happen.

Easier said than done. I know. I always thought I knew what my purpose in life was. For instance, when I was in primary school, it was to get good grades and then to go to elementary school. Then it was to get to highschool. And then my purpose became to go to college. And then, I though having fulfilled all previously wanted purposes, that I had nothing else to do than to start a family. Right?

Well, it didn't quite happen that way. After college, I was given the opportunity to go for more studies. And I took it. I had not been a purpose so far, but it became one. It took several years to accomplish this purpose, but I did. And now what?

What is my purpose in life? What do I want to do? I have not yet decided that. There are a few things I want to do, but I have to actually look deep inside myself and see what I would really *want* to do from now on. Our society is built up in such a way that one must earn money to live. And since I have not inherited a rich relative, willingly or not I will have to do something to help me earn some money to allow myself a decent living. I know it is so cliche, but I really don't want to have much more money than what I need. I just want to have enough.

It's a common belief that when one turns 30, they will go through a certain type of crisis. I never believed that. And personally, it was really no big deal to turn 30 for me. What really matters is how I feel inside. I have days when I do not feel alive at all, hence age is irrelevant. I have days in which I feel I am 18 years old, others when I am 30 and others when I do not even care how old I think I am or how old I really am.

What I had no idea though is that I was going to get caught up by surprise by my own self. We live our lives thinking (and rightfully assuming) that we are the only ones who know ourselves the best. And that is true. But it is also true that we are best at hiding from our own self and living in conscious or unconscious denial about what our own self (or ego) wants/says/does/warns us about/etc.

That's pretty much what happened and why I say I was caught up by surprise (not a good one, I'll tell ya) by my own self. Now how ironic is that?

I can't say for sure when it started. I can't say for sure what triggered it. But I can definitely say it is a crisis. Call it whatever you want: the 30 years old crisis, the end of countless years of studies crisis, the too much time on your hands crisis. It does not change the fact that it exists, that I live it. Now I know it is a crisis. But I did not know I was going through one, for months, many months. I knew something was not right with me, inside, outside and around me. But I could not pin point it. There were always visible and plausible excuses to justify my feeling unsettled, or my lack of joy, or vitality, or excitement, or even misery on certain days. And then there was too much work, and I did not always have the time nor the energy to digest what I was feeling and why I was feeling it.

Δεν είναι μαύρος ο κόσμος. Στο μυαλό σου υπάρχει συννεφιά.

There were days in which I wondered why my purpose in life is, what is it that I am supposed to do on this earth? Recently, all I could see was darkness. I did not want to talk to anybody, I did not want to speak. I did not want to have to do things. I did not want for people to want me to do things, or to expect things of me.

I felt into isolation, willingly. But not as much as I wanted though. I couldn't. Cause I had obligations to fulfill. Cause people expect things of you just because they are unaware of the state you're in. Cause even if you tell them something, hints, they still don't get it and they still want things from you, professionally, socially, family. Which in my situation appeared only as nuisances and made me wanna avoid them even more. Just because they didn't understood. Just because they did not respect me.

I have been experiencing a whole range of emotions for the last months. Alot of sadness and sorrow, alot of misery, alot of numbness, some strikes of happiness, that would easily just fade away. The good feelings always fade away when they stem from external causes and not from within. Other people can make you happy, but if you are not happy with yourself, FIRST and FOREMOST, then whatever others cause you too feel, won't last. It will fade away, sooner or later. And you can't blame them for not being them to always renew that feeling before it fades away. Cause maybe they have no idea of what happening with you. Surely they don't know, cause not even I knew myself exactly what is going on with myself.

As it can be expected, I think I have lost a few friends in the process. Maybe I had to, maybe it was a filtering test that had happen sooner or later. So that I realize once again what Sartre said. I definitely added to my crisis. I felt hurt, disappointed, abandoned, betrayed. But in the end, noone is to blame but myself. Regardless of what anyone around me does, it's up to me to decide how that will affect me. It may appear as an oversimplification of things, but I do believe it's so true.

It's human nature to just blame others for whatever & whatnot. It takes a considerable effort to realize that it all starts and ends with us. And this sound selfish, but it really isn't, in my opinion. Truth is not selfish. Tweaking the truth to our own benefit is selfish and does not help in the end, in the long run.

One's best ally, but in the same time one's worst enemy is oneself. There's no doubt in that. My own self turned against me, for a while. But in the end, when I was able to see what it was trying to show me, it wasn't to harm me, it was trying to show me things, how they really are, for my best.

It's really scary but so empowering in the same time. I felt scared for a while. I thought I was going to lose it, to lose myself and that I will never be able to put myself back again. I had reached some sort of limit though. A limit where I though this can NOT go on any longer. This is enough. I HAVE to figure out what's wrong. I HAVE to define what my problem is, in exact terms, so that I can at least some sort of an idea of how to start addressing it, and then solving it.

It happened that I was given the opportunity to talk with certain people that I know. And without too much explaining or questioning (from either sides), we touched subjects that were of interests to me (and I guess to them as well) which I felt (intuitively) they were worth discussing about with these people. And so it was. I started to feel less darkness around me. I started to somehow see some light in all this groping in the dark, searching for something but not knowing what it is, how to recognize it or even how to be sure I've found it.

But it's one of those things you just *know*. When you feel the veil of darkness slowly, very slowly starting to weigh less on you, and maybe just feel a light breeze that brings about the "hope" of hope, then you just *know* that something good has happened.

And even this, just the thought that I was able to understand one thing in this whole uncertain period of time, is so relieving. One of these people told me (and it wasn't even about me, cause we were talking about other people) that true happiness is the one that comes from our own hearts, without something important having happened to bring about that happiness.

Όταν ένας ανθρωπος είναι εντάξει με τον εαυτό του, χωρίς να συμβεί κάτι συγκεκριμένο να τον κάνει να αισθανθεί έτσι, τότε, έχει το περιθόριο για πραγματική ευτυχία.

And this just stuck to my brain instantly and unexplainably. Another person told me that even though it's not so easy to see, when one's future is not somehow prearranged, the fact that one has to draw one's own future can be really scary. Even if it doesn't appear so. And just as with the previous thing, this one stuck to my mind.

And come to think of it, it is true. For 30 years, there was always something that I should be doing, and most of the times it coincided with what I wanted to do as well. But now, there's no manual or instructions or even guidelines that point out how my life should develop from here. And even if in the past I did something that I was not totally ok with, I can always blame it on the system, on the society or my parents. But from now on, I will only have myself to blame for whatever I decide to do in the fuure, and maybe will regret it later. I hate regrets, so I generally do things that I know I will be able to live with for all my life. It's not as easy as it sounds, of course. But even those things that I do regret even a bit, I don't let them control me. I accept them as parts of myself, or experiences that I had to have and learn from, or if none of the above, then just as things that are in the past that I can not change, not matter how much I try to.

Another one of the people I got to talk to recently, helped me see just how much other people's normal questions about my plans for the future helped built a huge pressure on myself. When one's about to graduate, don't other people around one ask them: "So now what? What are you thinking to do? Getting a job? Starting a family?". And these are all ok and perfectly justifiable questions in themselves. They start to become a problem when everybody starts asking this repeatedly and for many months. And even this is normal and noone can control it. The bad thing was that I still DO NOT have a sound answer to all these questions, and maybe I won't have answers for a long time to come. And while I do understand that all these people are well-intented and care about me, they somehow seems to miss the impact these questions have on me.

On my part, I have tried as politely as I could, and as clear as I could to make them understand that I do NOT have the answers to their questions, that I do appreciate their caring, and that I will update them when I have news. But as well all know, that doesn't happen, so I still get questions and answers and comments and weird facial expressions, and I still try to control myself from not outbursting when I hear their questions, over and over again.

I live most of my days following this principle: there are no two people who think and act and react the same way; do NOT expect people to behave as you do and do NOT allow yourself to get disappointed when they don't.

Having said that, what affects me most of all is not their questions, but their lack of faith in me that when I have knews, that when I will know something for sure about my future, I WILL let them know! Hence no need to ask! Those who know me as well as they claim to know me, SHOULD know this much about me.

So what I really have to do now is:

- Determine, clear and beyond any self-doubt what I want to do in the future.

- Make it happen.

- Find that inner peace & balance that comes from within and not from outside triggers/stimuluses/events/people/etc.

- Pay attention to my own self. Be gentle to myself.

- Maintain it.

- Revive and find my own passions.

- ALWAYS to stay true to who I am!

Don't or rather won't believe in love...

As I walked home today I heard one of Dido's latest songs "Don't believe in love". I was taken not only by the rhythm but more by the lyrics of the song. You can listen to it here.

I finished work later than usual. I only caught the first bus home. By the time I had to switch, the buses stopped running. I felt too wound up (even though tired) so I decided to walk as much as I feel like it, and then take a taxi home. Walking always clears my head. I ended up walking the whole distance (~6-7 km). That felt good. What didn't feel so good though was the rain that had started and the fact that I think I am coming down with a cold (you know, stuffed nose, weird voice, etc.). I usually hate rain, and especially when it rains on my face, but this time, I didn't mind, at all.

I think it would be best for me at the moment if I didn't believe in love. Either way, when I wake up your arms are not around me, so it feels like I do wake up on my own anyway. Sometimes I pretend that I'm still sleeping, hoping & longing for you to just put your arms around me and hold me tight. Either way, it *is* really hard to look at you in the morning. I am afraid to feel, I know that feeling anything for you eventually ends up hurting me. So I am trying so hard to not let myself feel anything for you. Sometimes I manage it, other times I don't, and other times I just feel numb. It might also be the recent sleep deprivation causing me to feel nothing.

You said something that stuck with me. The harder one tries to hide something, the less interesting it becomes for the other to try to observe or discover what that something is. I am silent. I have been silent for the last couple of weeks. I was silent with you too last night. I didn't want to talk about me, about how I've been. I didn't want to crack not even the least bit of myself for fear it would break up and I could never close up again. And I'd be just raw, vulnerable, unprotected & alone. So I kept asking you questions, sometimes stupid questions, but nonetheless I tried to make them appear normal & not unnecessary. You answered most of them. I really hope that you didn't realize what I was trying to do. I am not hiding just to see whether you care enough to try & find what I am hiding. I am just hiding for my own protection. But you were silent too, a little bit more silent that usual. Maybe you were tired, maybe it was your headache, maybe it was me or maybe it was weird for you to see me after all this time, or maybe I let you down in some way.

I am trying so hard not to think of you. I am trying so hard not to wonder how you are, how are you doing, if you're having a good time where you are of if it's tough. I wanted to call so many times, but I stopped myself from it. First and foremost for fear of being rejected. Then for fear of calling in a bad moment, or for fear of you not answering it and not returning my (missed) call. So I texted.... one, two, and even the third time I said to myself: I need to write this.... cause there's no other way for me, so that's why I allowed myself to send you those texts. I was hoping to hear from you, but I knew very well, deep down inside, that you won't give any sign of life. Only you know why. But I guess it's not that hard to figure (at least some parts of) it right. There is no future for us. I never even considered anything of the sort for us. Until, I believe exactly two months ago, you told me you might be leaving. And then, it hit me, my own self came and bit me in the ass, but real hard.

I realized just how much I cared. And I was shocked, and scared, and afraid, and outraged with myself. And then you said you were not leaving, not yet anyway, and then I got a glimpse of hope, that maybe we could spend some more time together, making the most of it, now that *I knew* what I feel inside. But life took me by surprise again, and that didn't happen. Cause you left, without a word. To clear your head, to live carelessly, to enjoy life, to relax, to have fun and just be you, before you actually left. And just when I had convinced myself that I should not outpour whatever I had just realized about my feelings for you, but that I should just inform you of some basic facts, you fulfilled my prophecy that any guy that I will give my heart to will just run away with it. And that took me down. So down, that I had no idea there were such low limits of one's existance. I was like a vegetable the whole time you were gone having fun. Which I don't blame you for going & doing. I just thought I meant more to you than an "after thought".

So in all this time, I tried to suffocate whatever newfound feeling I had. Then you came back & looked for me. You indirectly reassured me you did not go away in search of a fling or casual encounter. But I had not asked you anything of the sort. And you spent the night. And I could not sleep next to you, cause there were like 1000 images / min spinning around my head all night. I barely slept an hour. You left... and life went on. Till the day of your official leaving. And I thought I wasn't going to see you again. Which was tearing me up inside, but nothing would just make me happy. Cause I know there's no future for us, and that says it all. But why is it that you made me that last surprise to come and see me just hours before your leave? It even amazed me, but I slept so good in your arms for those few hours... even though we both woke up with dreadful headaches. And then you left. For real, for good. And I felt like my heart was just wrenched out of my chest and I was heartless. Maybe I still am, just unsure where my heart really is. When you left, I could not breathe. It felt just like you took the air out of the room with you, leaving me breathless (just like Dan Wilson says in his song). And then nothing. Silence. Out of a sudden, a several seconds phone call from you, that just lit up my skies.... and again, silence. Astounding silence. Voiding silence. And all of a sudden, weeks later a phone call? I was so surprised, shocked, scared, anticipating it, fearing it, feeling selfish about answering it, realizing I need to play it cool phone call. When I answered you had just hung up. But called right back again and talked to me. I was out of words. I just did not know what to say and how to say it. You felt (I'm just speculating here) that you interrrupted me or something, given my fidgeting reaction. And I did not know what to do. To see you or not? And the rest is history.

So we know the past. We know the present. However, I can also well predict that there's never ever gonna be a future for you & me. There's just NO way on earth anything is going to have a future where you & I are concerned. I don't want to say "never", but if there were even the slightest hope of a future, I'd see a sign, even the most minuscule or isignificant sign that there "could" be a future for you & me. It always takes two to have any sort of relationship. And this says it all. This is not to say however that you don't care about me. You do, in your own way. But not in the same way I do. Which is fine as well. But it's not a basis or reason for any hope/future of us together.

This was a loooooooooong detour from this post's title, but here's why I'd rather not believe in love. Cause everything else would just be so easier. Or at least this is what I think.... a hopeless believer in love. Maybe it's time I "updated"?


Don't Believe In Love lyrics

I wanna go to bed
With arms around me
But wake up on my own
Pretend
That I'm still sleeping
Til' you go home

Oh
I can't look at you
This morning
I should probably have a sign
That says
'Leave right now or quicker'
You've overstayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is safe for me
When I don't believe in love
You're too close to me
And that's why
You have to leave

Maybe I slept peaceful
On your shoulder
Your arm warm around my side
But it's different now
It's morning
And I can't face your smile

The second that I feel
Your safe hands
Reaching out for mine
I slip away and out of sight
You've ovestayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing is good for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is new for me
Nothing is wrong for me
And nothing is real for me

When I don't believe in love
Why do you care for me?
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is real for me
If I don't believe in love
You're getting to close to me
And that's why you have to leave
And that's why you have to leave

If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is left for me
If I don't believe in love
You're too good for me